in the works

I'm writing a series of poems. they're not near finished, but he's a step in the writing/editing process:

I.
butterflies gnawed my insides till
I was burnt empty and had no soul.
Or
I had too much soul that possessed me,
sculpting me into a puppet
that laugh-smiled as trained while
underneath realities of:
locked doors with no lights
too many thoughts to think and
too many feelings to feel consumed
my heartbeats.

II.
my heart beats
like you claim yours beats.
my heart beats:
a rhythm always producing
images of how to forget
What Is and
What May Be and
What Could Have Been—
pictures I try to disregard but
can not without help.
given the file I hand over,
doctors constantly conclude:
I am not broken enough
to need crutches stitches or cures.

III.
in their defense my Past sees no logic
in saying where it hurts,
what is wrong with me and
how it all happened—
following the correct choreography
my eyes open crinkle closed,
never crying in company
except in sudden outbursts of
self-inflicted manslaughter,
often forcing me to be tried by a jury of experts
who always find me not guilty without evidence,
then move on with their lives,
a charitable kindness.



IV.
I do not like it when a person pauses my pacing—
(the right attention scares me)
history always repeats itself if you do not learn from it.
nobody can learn from me,
I am too terrified to teach.
fear has imprisoned me in
a locked cage to which
I can’t find the key from the inside and
nobody outside will fight to save me.

V.
I am crushed.
c o c o o n e d :
wrapped shields
imprisoned armor
shining in the mirror but
they see flakes and
call it fake and
don’t see my undoing.

Their words lips hands
touch me beautiful,
but their eyes
scorn me un-pretty,
laugh at my imperfections,
attack me counterfeit,
refuse to see
l a y e r s :
an armor of laughter
over impenetrable chainmail
preventing the discovery of,
(no, protecting)
an infinite pit
(Oh yes, I am that deep)
filled to the brim with:
animated skeletons,
scars bleeding wounds,
unearthed burial grounds.

I wrap myself in bandages
of incessant laughing
instead of crying,
of noticing good
in everyone but myself
as if by being naive
I can forgive ignorance.

I know I am mocked,
dressed in my doll-shell of
blonde rambling giggles.
I know I am mocked and
it b u r n s me alive.

I know I am mocked
and it saves me from:
a body to hold me down,
a name to puppeteer my strings,
a tongue to throw (s)words
cutting me into
two or four or six or
n o t h i n g

I have been nothing.
I am unfolding nothingness.
I am tortured
t e r r i f i e d
crumbling into
oblivion.

I am an open wound,
but I smile
and so I blind
and so they believe.


VI.
Zero.
(the fool)
a fool-hearted love-fanatic
noticing the world’s ticks
and why they tock,
yet unable to help.
a fool for wishing to help.
a failure for failing to help.

in my mind’s eye hangs a blank ticking clock
foretelling when my shell will crack and
how nothing left will be salvageable.



VII.
fanatically, I pray for a Champion
who will fight to defend me
but I realize I am
not thin
not beautiful
not witty
not enough to warrant miracles.


VII.
my aortic valves pulse,
lust after:
a pair of safe arms
a perfect fit
a few poetic proclamations
but I have learned
crippled by too much passion,
true romantics always die alone.

first outfit to post on here!

finally I can start posting outfits here!


Yesterday's outfit (dress-h&m/sunglasses-Retrospect on south Street in philly/tights-h&m/shoes-Prada)

today's to-do list>

today's "To Do" list:

1) work out
2) become a person
3) apply to work at urban outfitters (and maybe aldo for good measure)
4) NOT buy a cute pair of black heels while at the mall
5) get my darling bass guitar fixed so I can FINALLY play it again (it's been a few months!!!)
6) maybe purchase a cute item of clothing if money permits....
7) Tear up Philly


listening to:
Tear It Up by Andrew WK from The Wolf

bands of the week!

1) http://www.myspace.com/plushgun
2) http://www.myspace.com/cherielily (her recorded stuff DOES NOT do her justice, if you're ever able to see her live. SO MUCH FUN!)
3) http://www.myspace.com/johnbarrettmusic (pretty good live, check 'em out)
4) http://www.myspace.com/woodsfamilyband (Woods are awesome, if you haven't listened to them already I don't know what you were waiting for)
5) http://www.myspace.com/landlordsny (great guys, fun music)
6) http://www.myspace.com/patternismovement
7) http://www.myspace.com/lewisclarke (anyone that utilizes a bow on an electric guitar normally has a fan out of me. Their music is beautiful)

nyc fun

A brief update (with many more to come):

Last saturday night I was convinced to make an impromptu decision to go clubbing in the city (not exactly my area of expertise). I did not have heels with me. I did not have proper attire. So I ended up wearing this lace tank top, a faux-leather mini skirt, my favorite handcuff necklace, black tights and my favorite beat-up lace-up vintage boots. Did I rant all night about how my outfit itself was sub-par? No. Did I rant about how I looked a bit like a hooker? No. I spent the entire night moaning about how I would just about kill for a pair of studded Jeffrey Campbell Stilettos right now.

I can't decide if there's something wrong with that.

xoxo

Gareth.

Gareth Pugh.
Is.
A.
Genius.

Fall 2009 Runway

I can't figure out how to post the video on here.
But please watch it.

Originally I saw the pictures of the collection and was a little put off, it was definitely a step down from past Gareth Pugh collections, but then I saw the video he used as his runway show (this guy is BRILLIANT) and I was just as stunned as I have been. Please watch the video, the pictures DO NOT do this collection justice.

Jean Paul Gaultier

Jean Paul Gaultier's fall collection recently showed in Paris&I must say, it is possibly the best collection I have seen. Not the STRONGEST, but he manages to seemlessly incorporate everything I love about fashion right now.

androgyny:


futuristic monotone:


mod:


dark red (in color for fall):


lace-up doc marten-esque boots interspersed with stilettos and ankle boots:



80's:


Sharp lines:



Glam-Fierce-Chic:


Studs N' Leather N' Fringed Suede:


Items with severe virtues in how they move:


I am floored by how he managed to incorporate al of these trends, while modifying some of them to more of an individual fashion-forward manner AND keeping the entire collection consistent.