in the works

I'm writing a series of poems. they're not near finished, but he's a step in the writing/editing process:

I.
butterflies gnawed my insides till
I was burnt empty and had no soul.
Or
I had too much soul that possessed me,
sculpting me into a puppet
that laugh-smiled as trained while
underneath realities of:
locked doors with no lights
too many thoughts to think and
too many feelings to feel consumed
my heartbeats.

II.
my heart beats
like you claim yours beats.
my heart beats:
a rhythm always producing
images of how to forget
What Is and
What May Be and
What Could Have Been—
pictures I try to disregard but
can not without help.
given the file I hand over,
doctors constantly conclude:
I am not broken enough
to need crutches stitches or cures.

III.
in their defense my Past sees no logic
in saying where it hurts,
what is wrong with me and
how it all happened—
following the correct choreography
my eyes open crinkle closed,
never crying in company
except in sudden outbursts of
self-inflicted manslaughter,
often forcing me to be tried by a jury of experts
who always find me not guilty without evidence,
then move on with their lives,
a charitable kindness.



IV.
I do not like it when a person pauses my pacing—
(the right attention scares me)
history always repeats itself if you do not learn from it.
nobody can learn from me,
I am too terrified to teach.
fear has imprisoned me in
a locked cage to which
I can’t find the key from the inside and
nobody outside will fight to save me.

V.
I am crushed.
c o c o o n e d :
wrapped shields
imprisoned armor
shining in the mirror but
they see flakes and
call it fake and
don’t see my undoing.

Their words lips hands
touch me beautiful,
but their eyes
scorn me un-pretty,
laugh at my imperfections,
attack me counterfeit,
refuse to see
l a y e r s :
an armor of laughter
over impenetrable chainmail
preventing the discovery of,
(no, protecting)
an infinite pit
(Oh yes, I am that deep)
filled to the brim with:
animated skeletons,
scars bleeding wounds,
unearthed burial grounds.

I wrap myself in bandages
of incessant laughing
instead of crying,
of noticing good
in everyone but myself
as if by being naive
I can forgive ignorance.

I know I am mocked,
dressed in my doll-shell of
blonde rambling giggles.
I know I am mocked and
it b u r n s me alive.

I know I am mocked
and it saves me from:
a body to hold me down,
a name to puppeteer my strings,
a tongue to throw (s)words
cutting me into
two or four or six or
n o t h i n g

I have been nothing.
I am unfolding nothingness.
I am tortured
t e r r i f i e d
crumbling into
oblivion.

I am an open wound,
but I smile
and so I blind
and so they believe.


VI.
Zero.
(the fool)
a fool-hearted love-fanatic
noticing the world’s ticks
and why they tock,
yet unable to help.
a fool for wishing to help.
a failure for failing to help.

in my mind’s eye hangs a blank ticking clock
foretelling when my shell will crack and
how nothing left will be salvageable.



VII.
fanatically, I pray for a Champion
who will fight to defend me
but I realize I am
not thin
not beautiful
not witty
not enough to warrant miracles.


VII.
my aortic valves pulse,
lust after:
a pair of safe arms
a perfect fit
a few poetic proclamations
but I have learned
crippled by too much passion,
true romantics always die alone.

first outfit to post on here!

finally I can start posting outfits here!


Yesterday's outfit (dress-h&m/sunglasses-Retrospect on south Street in philly/tights-h&m/shoes-Prada)

today's to-do list>

today's "To Do" list:

1) work out
2) become a person
3) apply to work at urban outfitters (and maybe aldo for good measure)
4) NOT buy a cute pair of black heels while at the mall
5) get my darling bass guitar fixed so I can FINALLY play it again (it's been a few months!!!)
6) maybe purchase a cute item of clothing if money permits....
7) Tear up Philly


listening to:
Tear It Up by Andrew WK from The Wolf

bands of the week!

1) http://www.myspace.com/plushgun
2) http://www.myspace.com/cherielily (her recorded stuff DOES NOT do her justice, if you're ever able to see her live. SO MUCH FUN!)
3) http://www.myspace.com/johnbarrettmusic (pretty good live, check 'em out)
4) http://www.myspace.com/woodsfamilyband (Woods are awesome, if you haven't listened to them already I don't know what you were waiting for)
5) http://www.myspace.com/landlordsny (great guys, fun music)
6) http://www.myspace.com/patternismovement
7) http://www.myspace.com/lewisclarke (anyone that utilizes a bow on an electric guitar normally has a fan out of me. Their music is beautiful)

nyc fun

A brief update (with many more to come):

Last saturday night I was convinced to make an impromptu decision to go clubbing in the city (not exactly my area of expertise). I did not have heels with me. I did not have proper attire. So I ended up wearing this lace tank top, a faux-leather mini skirt, my favorite handcuff necklace, black tights and my favorite beat-up lace-up vintage boots. Did I rant all night about how my outfit itself was sub-par? No. Did I rant about how I looked a bit like a hooker? No. I spent the entire night moaning about how I would just about kill for a pair of studded Jeffrey Campbell Stilettos right now.

I can't decide if there's something wrong with that.

xoxo

Gareth.

Gareth Pugh.
Is.
A.
Genius.

Fall 2009 Runway

I can't figure out how to post the video on here.
But please watch it.

Originally I saw the pictures of the collection and was a little put off, it was definitely a step down from past Gareth Pugh collections, but then I saw the video he used as his runway show (this guy is BRILLIANT) and I was just as stunned as I have been. Please watch the video, the pictures DO NOT do this collection justice.

Jean Paul Gaultier

Jean Paul Gaultier's fall collection recently showed in Paris&I must say, it is possibly the best collection I have seen. Not the STRONGEST, but he manages to seemlessly incorporate everything I love about fashion right now.

androgyny:


futuristic monotone:


mod:


dark red (in color for fall):


lace-up doc marten-esque boots interspersed with stilettos and ankle boots:



80's:


Sharp lines:



Glam-Fierce-Chic:


Studs N' Leather N' Fringed Suede:


Items with severe virtues in how they move:


I am floored by how he managed to incorporate al of these trends, while modifying some of them to more of an individual fashion-forward manner AND keeping the entire collection consistent.

sunset, sunrise

http://wickedhalo.blogspot.com
-possibly my favorite blog, at least top ten. Art, fashion, music, photography and more (all of the wicked&awesome persuasion) Check it out.



"...and all anybody knows is
you're not like them
and they kick you in the head
and send you back to bed
isolation pulled you past a tunnel to a
bright world where you can make a place to stay
but everybody's scared of this place,
they're staying away.

your little house on memory lane,
the mayor's name is Fear
his force patrols the pier
from a mountain of cliche
that advances everyday
the doctor spoke a cloud
he rained out loud
You'll keeo your doors and windows shut
and swear you'll
Never Show A Soul Again
but isolation pushes you 'til every muscle aches
down the only road it takes...

I do what people say
and lie in bed all day
Absolutely Horrified
I Hope You're Satisfied
isolation pushed past self hatred, guilt and shame
to a place where suffering is just a game,
but everybody's scared of this place
they're staying away."
-Memory Lane, Elliott Smith

sleep&leather&NOTbondage

I haven't slept in over a day now. Approaching two. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted, and I'm drained, and my brain is crackling with the exertion of working overtime but I have absolutely no luck. I try to sleep, I put on my playlist (which is the only thing getting me to bed nowadays when I do sleep) and I wait. I close my eyes and drift off but I'm never warm enough, never cool enough, never secure enough, always too anxious isolated on a hard twin xl mattress. I lay there trying to cuddle into my copious amounts of blankets and pillows, but none of it works: I can not sleep.

A perk is I've never seen the sunrise as much as I have recently, this past month especially. I can't wait for warmer weather so when insomnia and solitary isolation kick in I can watch the sun rise over the great lawn.

I'm optimistic.
(ish)

side note: today I tried on a pair of skinny faux leather pants from h&m and fell in love. They will be purchased within the next couple of weeks. Also a forest acid wash v-neck from american apparel is top on the list.

I am in LOVE with Julien Macdonald's fall 09 collection
Erdem is also stunning
PHI kicked ass at NYC fashion week
the usual wow-ers did their thang (Marc Jacobs was on point as usual, etc, etc& so on&henceforth)

www.style.com is a visual fashion dictionary/online newspaper.


"All alone!
Whether you like it or not,
alone is something you'll
be quite a lot"
-Dr. Seuss

"If it is to come, she said,
sleep must take me unawares
while I am laughing or dancing
so that I do not know that brutal place
where I lie down with cattle prods,
the hole in my cheek open."
-Briar Rose, Anne Sexton

old poem that always makes sense-
Sleeping Beauty's Confession: The Truth About Her Slumber
When he left she didn't have a broken heart
No gorging ice cream sorrows
No room demolishing anger.
Her heart wasn't broken,
it was crushed, powder-thin
blown away like ashes.
At night she cried a eulogy,
hoping the tears would resurrect her dead heart.

She was in a spell of no feeling,
Sleeping Beauty, but her rescuer was the needle.
She felt nothing till late sullen midnight--
then repugnant despair came
(a petrifying tempest)
Overwhelmed,
she cried in morbid mourning
as she realized there is no grief as great as that of a dead heart.

bands of the week!

bandsbandsbandsmusicmusicmusic

1) http://www.myspace.com/turbofruits (they have a new song up, so check them out AGAIN)
2) http://www.myspace.com/theraveonettes (if you don't know them already, you should)
3) http://www.myspace.com/yeahyeahyeahs (you know them already, but there's a new album coming out soon&a new track up!)
4) http://www.myspace.com/viviangirlsnyc
5) http://www.myspace.com/ninjasonik
6) http://www.myspace.com/sosoglos (great live)
7) http://www.myspace.com/raggedyannmusic

musicmusicmusicbandsbandsbands

clothes clothes clothes

http://www.dropsnap.jp/pc/snap.php
this site is just as cool as lookbook.nu, check them out.

As of wednesday I own 10 leather jackets. Obsession much? I was thrifting with friends and this sick tight fringed motorcycle jacket was brought to my attention. I justified it because I don't have a leather jacket with fringe and I'm so pleased I did because it's stunning. Another exciting find is this blazer that looks a lot like Yves Saint Laurent of the mid-late 80's: super-high shoulder pads, of a dark grey pattern, really nipped waist that flares out a bit in an architectural angle.

other finds include:
A royal blue/black/hot pink dress from the late 80's.
A pastel-teal-with floral-print dress probably from the mid 80's.

I'm really digging the 80's right now I suppose.

Pictures to follow when I can get my act together in that department...

graveyards

The skeletons in my closet have been rattling recently, and at a very unfortunate time, too. As a result I've been even worse than usual and officially become an insomniac (before I just had issues getting to bed). I've started going to sleep at sunrise for a few hours. Awesome.

It's hard because as much as the past hurts and lurks and haunts and shouldn't have happened in the first place, how I was raised and all the messed up stuff that's happened to me for being so young have made me who I am. So although I don't have it all together and I have issues with hiding my scars behind trivial ramblings in public, as cliche as it is: I'm happy with who I am as a person. I'm not perfect, but at the base of who I am... I just wouldn't want to be anyone else. Shit happens and I just need to get back to the usual cycle of things.

It's funny, the hardest person to confront is yourself. It's so cliche and slightly melodramatic, but so true. If there is no stability in your life, it's scary to think about what confronting yourself can do to you. I'm no scientist, but from what I understand the confrontation of two unstable forces probably doesn't result in perfect harmony. Most of us hide behind facades or half-truths or avoidance or fear or drugs or books or booze or pain, but if there's serious shit you're trying to ignore it just consumes everything you fixed and more. I've broken the same promise to a lot of people that are close to me in recent weeks and I'm set on remedying what I can come monday. Or Tuesday. Soon.

I need a vacation. People are absurd. I recently wrote somewhere that I wish I could be a truth warrior-- dishonesty is an epidemic spreading through society.

"I am inhabited by a cry. Nightly it flaps out looking, with its hooks, for something to love. I am terrified by this thing that sleeps in me all day long. Its soft feathery turnings, its malignity."
-Sylvia Plath

"If it is to come, she said,
sleep must take me unawares
while I am laughing or dancing
so I do not know that brutal place
where I lie down with cattle prods,
the hole in my cheek open.
Further, I must not dream
for when I do I see the table set
and a faltering crone at my place,
her eyes burnt by cigarettes
as she eats betrayal like a slice of meat.

I must not sleep
for while asleep I'm ninety
and think I'm dying.
Death rattles in my throat
like a marble.
I wear tubes like earrings.
I lie as still as a bar of iron.
You can stick a needle through my kneecap and I won't flinch.
I'm all shot up with novocain.
This trance girl is yours to do with."
-Briar Rose, Anne Sexton

I can not live up to expectations.

Life is hectic, I'm not getting half as much sleep as my body expects. I need a vacation. And a job so I can fund my concert/clothing habits.

some nice bands of the week persay to check out:
http://www.myspace.com/turbofruits
http://www.myspace.com/shapesband
http://www.myspace.com/kisskiss
http://www.myspace.com/lissytrullie
http://www.myspace.com/nonoage
http://www.myspace.com/organsnyc
the kills/the horrors will be in the nyc area in may, usa in general at that time. Anyone who is not familiar with them should be now. Check em out!


"I’m comatosely bone-tired, harshly soul-driven,
languidly in denial, and always hearing empty nothings."

quotes that make sense right now

"The moon has nothing to be sad about,

staring from her hood of bone.

She is used to this sort thing.

Her blacks crackle and drag."

-from Edge by Sylvia Plath

"The guitar bled for about a week afterwards

And the blood was zoot, dark and rich, like wild berries

The blood of the guitar was Chuck Berry red

The guitar bled for about a week afterwards

But it rung out beautifully

And I was able to play notes that I have never even heard before

So I took my guitar

And I smashed it against the wall."

-Wasted Youth, Meatloaf

"she appears composes, so she is, I suppose

who can really tell?

she shows no emotion at all,

stares into space like a dead china doll."

-Waltz #2, Elliott Smith

Between the Bars, Elliott Smith

...

I need to start an old-school thrashy punk band. I desperately hope old-school punk is coming back.

(hopinghopinghoping)

I'm not buying anything else for a good week>>

I bought a deep emerald-teal Chanel coat that's probably from  a few seasons ago, maybe more, at a consignment shop for a RIDICULOUSLY small amount of money. It still works for my style right now; it is my baby. 

pics to follow soon.

some profound thinking...

I've decided to make this a real blog of sorts, not just about clothes I would love to have. So that being said, here's a recent poem of mine: 

Confession: This is What Makes a Witch

I, too, know what it feels like

to be broken down ---

incinerated

voracious

(food cannot quell this hunger)

emotion

has worn down past my bones.

gnawing, crunching, reached its destination

feasting on my marrow

while I sit in a white room filled with

gossip magazines and past lovers,

waiting to be nothing but

used ivories

stiff cracked husks---

broken shells on a beach that

slice open skin drawing

red hysterics (tears)

from the innermost valves of the heart,

caverns where 

secret pasts renewing (fears)

lurk, hiding like

undercover agents 

plotting to take down

sanity's personification

(It's not that I purposefully destroy,

that I have NO soul,

there's too much of a soul to be contained)

I feel too.

I feel too much, always.

All Ways I feel too much.

it's been awhile...

finals/madness happened, but I'm finally back!

Here is a post on incredible websites:

http://fashionindie.com/

http://wickedhalo.blogspot.com/

http://www.lookbook.nu